something i wrote a long time ago. 

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there are alot of things i never told you.  there is no reason why, other than i never had any reason to and always thought there would be time later.  for some reason this was in my head today and i wanted to just put it down and let it out.

it was a sunday, when we were still friends. i was sleeping next to you... for some reason i dont think i was sleeping in the pull out bed. you went to go get something, or maybe to see why there was some noise in the basement.  i must have moved over to your side of the bed b/c when you came back a while later i was near the window, still laying down.  i think i wanted to look outside.
the day was amazing, it must have been mid morning and the sun was so bright and the sky was clear.  it was summer or spring, and you could feel the mildness of the days weather.  it was meant to be an easy, lazy sunday.
your father said something or you argued about something.  you came back in, looking hesitant and unsure, like maybe you were going to run out of the room.  you got into the bed next to me and held yourself up above me.  you looked at me, locked eyes with mine.  your eyes were filling with tears, but hadnt let them spill yet.
i remember looking at you, at your eyes, i remember how your hair looked, how your lower lip trembled almost imperceptibly.  i remember the way you inhaled shallowly.  i remember the nervousness in your actions after staring at me for what seemed like a very long time, altho im sure it wasnt.  i remember when your eyes finally couldnt contain the tears anymore, and you looked away so you wouldnt see your tears falling onto my face.  or maybe you just didnt want to see me see you cry. 

all i wanted to do was kiss your eyes, somehow make that hurt and pain become something that could be brushed away.  i felt a tightness in my chest, like it couldnt contain the emotion.  i hurt for you that day, i wanted to make it go away, make whatever it was go away.  i wished i could somehow make you feel safe, make you feel protected.  i hugged you to me, not knowing what else i could do.  not knowing how i could possibly help, or if i could.  you didnt let me hold you for very long.  it seemed you didnt want me thinking you were weak, and you felt weak in that instant.  weak or vulnerable.

i never pitied you, i never thought oh you poor little dear.  i never thought you needed me to help you or protect you.  i never thought you needed anyone.  but i thought i could help.  that maybe if youd let me i could make it easier on you.

you never did.

the point is this: ill never forget that morning, or how unbelievably beautiful you looked, the sunlight on your face, and the tears making your green eyes even more vibrant, more dazzling.  their depth was consuming.
you wouldnt believe me, but the fact that there was almost no makeup on your face or anything hiding you made the sight even more, made you even more beautiful.  it was you, you naturally, and you without any facade.  nothing hiding you, in that moment.


id like to think that at least on that day i wasnt wrong about you.  that on that day, in that instant, you were the person i always believed you were.

thank you for the memories.

ever want to tell someone its alright?
            its all alright.
(but you know youre lying. you know this) some little voice
            a voice in back of your head repeats it
                repeats it differently
some little voice in the back of your head repeats it until it becomes gibberish
            till the words run together like raindrops
                                             and maybe tears
its all alright. it really is. whatever it is.


i swear.